Handling Temper Tantrums & Avoiding Meltdowns

Did you know that children laugh over 300 times a day
and adults laugh less than twelve?

Handling temper tantrums can be one of the toughest challenges that parents face. Different temperaments and rapidly changing developmental stages make the task of dealing with meltdowns a tricky endeavor.

There is no one magic fix-all method for dealing with toddler temper tantrums. It is a parenting challenge that is constantly changing and adapting to your personal family styles and values is the only way to handle your child's emotional ups and downs.

We know that a toddler tantrum is caused by a child's inability to express his very big [sometimes explosive] emotions and frustrations.

Handling temper tantrums then becomes a delicate balance of reassuring your child that she is safe and secure and giving lots of empathy to help her through this "big feeling" moment.

1. Stay ahead of your child's particular needs, sensitivities and expectations.

Hunger, Over-stimulation, anxiety, boredom and sleepiness are all causes for toddler tantrums. Match your expectations to the appropriate age/developmental stage of your child. You can't expect a three-year-old to maintain his enthusiasm at being carted around all day doing errands nor can you diminish his feelings about not getting that toy truck anymore by yelling at him to get up of the floor right now!

2. Avoid No, Don't & Stop

This is a tough one. Try counting in one day how many times you say all of the above three words. You may be surprised at how often you are saying "No" to your child. If you can take your negative statements and turn them into positive ideas, you will be amazed at how much smoother your day will flow.

A child who hears the words "No," "Don't" or "Stop" really only hears whatever follows "No," "Don't" and "Stop" These words limit their impulses and allow us to feel that we are engaging in power struggles which lead everyone to feel - out of control - and this is not the way to handling temper tantrums with ease.

Parents must accept the fact that humans cannot be controlled without causing harm to the core of their beings. Therefore, when handling temper tantrums, it is imperative that you loosen your need for controlling or micro-managing your child's behavior. You will only drive yourself crazy. Find the need behind your child's cry and you'll find yourself a key to helping thm through it.

3. Connect and make eye contact with your child.

It is absolutely crucial that you get down on their level. If you are in the habit of yelling your requests from two rooms away, you will likely have a child who mostly ignores you.

Also, adopt a "Mama" or "Papa" voice, one that doesn't yell but is clearly distinguishable from your normal speaking voice. Use this voice to emphasize danger and emergency requests.

This eliminates the need to yell. A clear, emphatic paternal voice that is consistent will give your child an unmistakable signal as to when you mean business. Be careful not to overuse this voice. Save it for when you need to be clear for safety issues otherwise you may find your child ceases to respond after a while.

4. Keep you child in the loop.

Transitional tantrums are the hardest on kids. It is not appropriate to expect a toddler or even an older child to immediately stop what they are doing and leave or change course just because you ask nicely.

Get in the habit of giving your child a 5 minute, 3 minute and 1 minute warning before heading off their current activity - kids need transition time - especially if they are hyper-sensitive.

Give them a rundown of the day at breakfast. Explain what will happen, who you plan to see or where you intend to visit. Show small children pictures of the people you are going to see and it can have an impact on their level of comfort when actually coming face-to-face with that person.

Keep snacks and toys on hand or prepared the night before. Make sure your child is well rested and well fed before starting any long journey or day full of activities. If your child knows what to expect, then for the most part, so can you.

5. Give a choice.

Instead of demanding what you want your child to do. Give them a choice. Make your requests brief and clear. Don't talk too much or too long. Lectures and too much information cause overload in the toddler brain. They can't process it all.
Would you like to first brush your teeth or put on your pajamas?

Kids like to feel autonomous and in control of their own lives, guide them in the direction you would like them to go in by providing opportunities for making decisions about everything from life, to health, exercise, school, family etc.

6. Make games and challenges out of everything.

Children see life as a game, fun, exciting - something new and shiny to explore around every corner. There are so many things to get children to do or not do in just one day that parenting can often feel less than fun.

But you can turn anything into a game and ease your children into what you need or want them to do.

Clean your room pick-up contest.
Sing songs as you bathe or dress your tot.
Challenge your toddler to a race to clean up the blocks.
Talk with an accent, put a sock on your hand and crawl around on the floor like a lion.

7. Be silly and creative.

I know that may sound like a lot. The Old Parenting Paradigm may have you convinced that your child should do as they're told, when they're told and without a lot of hoopla. That advice no longer applies.

Handling your toddler's temper tantrum successfully depends on your ability to remain calm AND creative in the face of chaos and not cower from fear due to the steely glare of other parents and on how well you can intuit your child's needs in advance.

Handling temper tantrums does not have to exhaust you or become a daily part of your routine.

Just the same, no one ever said parenting would not humiliate you, strip you bare of all your crutches, single out all your fears and sometimes make you want to pull your hair out.

But in the end if you can have fun, adjust your expectations and loosen your need to micro-manage your child's behavior out of fear or social convention, you can have a happier go of it.