Toddler Biting

Have you received that dreaded phone call from your child's preschool?

"Good morning Mrs. Johnson, this is the Happy Kids Preschool calling to let you know that Amelia was bit today..." or worse "Amelia bit another child..."

Your first experience with toddler biting may come as a complete shock (you've always had such a sweet, well-mannered child) or it may be just another day battling your intense, spirited toddler and her many emotions.

Most parents are undoubtedly alarmed by either call. Seeing your child hurt or hurt another - gives parents the ultimate challenge in responsibility, that is, the ability to respond.

Biting is aggressive, scary and alarming for children and parents but it is also absolutely normal. Most children will go through some sort of biting phase and usually bite-ees are turned quickly into biters as children learn behavioral strategies through their relationships - not with just their parents but also with their peers.

Children are emotional creatures and while biting may seem like an unfathomable way to react to a "friend not sharing" or a "toy being taken" it might be, in the child's present reality, quite an effective tool for getting what she wants - at least initially.

Yes, you must enforce the limit for safety that biting is absolutely NOT OKAY. But you can't do that with a stressed-out or fearful child. You will end up frustrated - using force, control or emotional manipulation - and reacting from fear which only leads to disconnection.

So how do you diminish the behavior without sacrificing your relationship with your kids?

First, understand why toddler biting happens.

It is only through the repetition of modeling, nurturing and compassion for children that children will learn socially appropriate behaviors and more successful techniques for getting their needs met.

Scolding young children because "they were warned once" or criticizing them teaches nothing. It is developmentally appropriate for a toddler's immediate reaction to an upsetting event - to be hostile. They are impulsively emotional and/or physical because their brain capacity leaves them no other choice.

It may be hard to see your child as scared, when you are angry yourself or when you look at the situation and find nothing to be fearful about but toddler biting is always an unconscious response to a stressful event where a child is without the resources to make better choices

An aggressive child is a scared child.

Consider the following scenario as presented by traditional parenting standards.

Traditional Parenting Response

Child B: I want my doll!! I want my doll!
Parent: It is not okay to bite your friends!
Child B: But she took my dollll!!!
Parent: I don't care, you must ask for what you want, you cannot bite people.
Child B: I want my doll, she took my doll, I want it NOW....!!
Parent: You have to learn how to ask for what you want and not use your body to hurt people.
Child B to Child A: Can I have my doll back please?
Child A: No! It's mine.
Child B: (melting down more) It's mine, it's not hers, she can't have it, I want it baaaack! (she lunges toward Child A)
Parent: That's it, I've had it. I will take the doll until everyone can learn how to share and play nicely.

Unfortunately what the traditional parent overlooked was the message that Child B was trying to communicate. "My doll is gone and I don't know if I'll ever get it back!"

A small child does not have the foresight or ability to know that her toy is not "gone forever." She needs reassurance that she can survive this situation and that you will always help her meet her needs as best as you can. And even if you can't meet the need, you will be there to support her through all her tough emotions.

Seeing things from your child's perspective is crucial to understanding her actions. This is the way to diminish unwanted negative behaviors - by acknowledging the need or fear that caused the behavior in the first place.

Traditional parenting asks us to focus on the behavior and implies that if you get emotional with your kids, then you are somehow coddling them. This could not be further from the truth.

We can see from the above scenario that the fear-based, dominating reaction only escalated the emotions of the children and the situation to the point where neither child was motivated to change and when they did not "behave" as expected - the toy was taken away.

How does everyone feel after this exchange?
Child A? Child B? The parent?

Guilt: "Why would you bite your friend like that? Don't you want to share with your friends?" or "If you bite your friends, no one will want to play with you."

Judgment: "That is a terrible thing to do to your friend. I taught you better than that!"

Force: "You apologize to your friend right now or I will take the doll away!"

Conditions: "When you can act appropriately, you will get your toy back."

But at what cost?

None of these approaches acknowledges the feelings or needs of the child and only imposes more fear and stress by demanding compliance through control or shame.

This parenting style only acts to distance ourselves from our children and harm our developing relationship with them.

After discipline, always ask yourself: Has the relationship with my child been improved through this interaction? And if the answer is no, then investigate how can you can reconnect to build trust.

So what CAN you do to stop toddler biting?