Positive Reinforcement

Positive Reinforcement or Damaging Declarations?

Good job! Nice coloring! Adoring our children with love and praise couldn't be a bad thing, could it?

You know, like when she puts on her shoes or her pants even though they're backwards]. It proves an amazing feat of concentration and we just want to show her that we are proud of her so that she'll know that we love her no matter what!

Perhaps, but surprisingly that’s not the totality of what is being conveyed. The overriding message that she is hearing, seeing and understanding is “Mama and Papa like when I do this and that makes me feel good.”

I know it seems inconsequential. A “Good eating!” here or a “Great job helping!” there, especially with our young ones, seems innocuous. Positive reinforcement appears to be the most popular and effective form of toddler discipline, especially when faced with a time consuming search for alternatives to the more assertive discipline methods.

But studies show again and again that kids who are praised for accomplishing become more hesitant and unsure of themselves, less interested in trying new things, and worse, they actually lose interest in the activity they were previously praised for once the praise stops coming.

Now I am not pronouncing that children everywhere are doomed to a sloppy, barefoot future because we cheered every hand-washing and tied shoelace.

But please consider the very real possibility that children will become less likely to share of their own accord, feel empathy, or continue painting, reading or finishing any activity if they are fielding and filing a constant stream of performance evaluations.

More and more research shows that by providing extrinsic motivation we are often removing the likelihood that our children will fully develop their intrinsic or internal motivation. The problem is that when external motivation is offered, children learn to assess their own value and interest on something they can’t control: external rewards and the approval of others.

Judgment, whether positive or negative, actually creates children who may come to rely on that verbal incentive and to look for it unnecessarily. It can affect their motivation to take interest in anything wholeheartedly or complete a task without verbal encouragement or tangible rewards.

I do not mean to discount the beneficial aspects of "positive discipline" nor do I mean to bemoan all praise and certainly not the appropriate use of it.

To exclaim your heart-felt excitement the first time your toddler puts on her shoes by herself is a perfectly legitimate reaction but to blurt out “Good Job!” as a knee-jerk response to the most negligible of activities (eating, drinking, coloring, jumping, swinging) in hopes that [however unconscious] our children will repeat the desired action in the future is, in reality, detrimental to their overall ability to learn and self-motivate. When the praise stops coming, kids stop trying. Eliminate the praise and teach your kids how to find joy and satisfaction in the experience of things, not just the outcomes.

Ask yourself when your repsonses are rooted in love and encouragement or are they disconnected and evaluative?