The Old Parenting Paradigm

Though this approach is often to the detriment of the child's emotional well-being, it is still well-entrenched in the mind of today's parent.

The Traditional Paradigm

Traditional methods of the OPP often include corporal punishment (spanking/physical punishment), authoritarian parenting and punitive/praise/reward systems, though the paradigm itself refers more to an out-dated philosophical understanding of children and parenting than to the specific parenting methods themselves.

It does not represent any one school of thought exclusively but the Old Parenting Paradigm is a belief system based on the knowledge and experiences of generations past and it is the way many of us were parented. If you endured criticism or praise with words like -

"Because I said so."

"What a well-behaved child."

"Why can't you be more like...?"

"If you [ABC], you can [XYZ]"

"Good girls/boys don't..."

"Let's go or I'm leaving..."

"You are making Mommy/Daddy so mad..."

"How many times do I have to tell you?"

"You are such a [fill-in-the-blank-expletive]!"

- then you were parented under the OPP or a fear-based traditional, power paradigm. Harsh critical judgment and evaluative statements no longer support families and children logically or emotionally.

Let’s look at it this way -

Withholding values such as patience, empathy, understanding, love, cooperation, regulation and respect, all the while demanding that children demonstrate those same values in return.

How can children be expected to demonstrate values that aren't modeled for them?

How can we expect them to behave positively or form empowering self-concepts when we withhold our love or blame them for our anger in times of conflict?

The OPP seeks to control children by breaking them of unwanted behaviors and training them to obey, usually through fear and often for the sake of convenience or some perceived level of authority and control.

There is little in the OPP that serves to teach children about their feelings, how to consider others or the appropriate behaviors everyone is hoping that they learn and remember.

So when are we breaking the child's will and when are we breaking her spirit? And is there really a difference?

The ideas embodied in the Old Parenting Paradigm, while rejected among most development experts and educators, are still quite prevalent in the minds of American parents.

It's a hard fact to swallow.

It is not uncommon for parents to resist the idea that they are [however unconsciously] impeding the healthy development of their children's self-esteem, intrinsic motivation or emotional intelligence.

Nor would they dare suspect that they are actually contributing to the less-than-pleasant behaviors they witness or eroding their relationship by demanding that their children “do as they say” and showing their will through dysregulated behaviors (yelling, threatening, using fear or frightening force).

The fact remains that we cannot continue to parent our children under this paradigm, blindly ignoring the insight and understanding that we have gained in the last twenty-five years of study.

But how do we change years of ingrained ideas about raising children?

We must start by erasing our inherited beliefs about children, parenting and families in general. The needs of babies and children are quite clear.

• Emotional attachment and acceptance
• Unconditional love, support and safety
• Modeling & consistency

These are the most powerful "discipline" methods available to you as a parent, teacher or caregiver.

Society has the habit of evaluating and judging the performance of parents as much as it encourages parents to evaluate and judge their own children's performance.

Let's face it - most of us are in the proverbial parenting closet with regards to our beliefs, habits, mistakes and abilities for fear of ridicule or admonishment from our peer groups or families.

Society expects our kids to sit still, be polite, not cry, and behave in public in two ways: quietly or in a manner pleasing to adults.

Some even ask us to consider leaving our children at home while dining out or riding on airplanes so that we can uphold such antiquated ideals such as "children should be seen and not heard."

Why does society encourage parents to judge children with this harshness?

What do we think we will accomplish as a group by indoctrinating our future leaders with unyielding restrictions, punishments, reward systems, verbal abuse or by placing unrealistic and developmentally inappropriate expectations on them?

Can we really mold children into perfect, mindful, happy little beings?

No, we can’t!

Just like we cannot make children feel tired or hungry or sorry when they are not ready and we cannot make them like certain foods or activities or push them into accepting our personal thoughts and opinions as their own.

We can only secure our attachment so that we can build trust to have influence.

Children are individuals with preferences, likes and dislikes, varying temperaments, differing abilities, strengths and weaknesses.

To expect them to behave, learn and obey in the same manner or the one by which the Old Parenting Paradigm sets forth is a task not easily attained as it demands a rigid structure and supposes that children [and humans] can be behaviorally modified and happy.

Beware of parenting techniques, discipline models or books that offer one-step, simple, cure-all solutions or advice that is “guaranteed” to work for everyone.

The only magical fix is for society to begin to faithfully support parents in nurturing their children.

Parenting is a long, delightful, treacherous, scary journey with no perfect outcomes.

We need to commit to our children and to ourselves. Resolve to enjoy the journey and not focus solely on the demands of the outside world. We must promise to be present for our children and to give them our full attention and not our total frustration.

If you can seek to always attribute the most desirable intention to your child's actions, you will observe a noticeable difference in how often you feel the need to punish or discipline.

Whereas the Old Parenting Paradigm sees the family unit as a hierarchy with Mom and Dad at the helm and children on the lower tiers - the New Parenting Paradigm seeks to level out the family dynamics so that we can connect at the heart level and live in joy, not fear.

When we consider that all family members are equal and deserving of the same rights to be heard and validated with respect, only then can we begin to experience a relationship that allows for intimacy and unconditional love.

Let joy and humor wash away old tendencies towards absolute authority and unrelenting control. If you micro-manage your child to the point of absolute rigidity, you can never fully experience the authenticity of life.

The best way to incorporate the New Parenting Paradigm and become a conscious parent is to stop taking your child's behavior so personally and end the fruitless seeking of that bag of tricks you hope will solve all your parenting troubles and discipline dilemmas.

It’s not out there. No one formula is going to work for every family.

You need to take time to heal your own childhood wounds as a road to discovering your true Parenting Ethic, (re)learn what it means to parent authentically, commit to evolving as you learn and then assemble a set of values and actions that best suits your family’s needs and desires.