The Old Parenting Paradigm

The Old Parenting Paradigm or OPP can be described as a school of thought that focuses on a child's behavior and emphasizes the value of discipline and control as the predominate means of parenting. Though this approach is often to the detriment of the child's emotional well-being, it is still well-entrenched in the mind of today's parent. The Center for Nonviolent Education and Parenting [CNVEP] refers to this model of parenting as the dominant paradigm.

Traditional methods of the OPP include spanking as discipline, authoritarian parenting, praise and punishment/reward type systems, though the paradigm itself refers more to an out-dated philosophical understanding of children and parenting than to the specific parenting methods themselves.

The Old Parenting Paradigm is a cumulative belief system based on the knowledge and experiences of generations past. It does not represent any one school of thought exclusively but it is the way many of us were parented. If you endured criticism or praise with words like -

"Because I said so."

"What a well-behaved child."

"Why can't you be more like...?"

"If your grades go up, you can have..."

"Let's go or I'm leaving you here..."

"You make me so mad..."

"You are such a [fill-in-the-blank-expletive]!"

- then you were parented under the OPP or dominant paradigm. Harsh critical judgment and evaluative statements no longer support families and children logically or emotionally.

Let’s look at it this way -

How can children be expected to demonstrate values that aren't modeled for them?

The OPP seeks to control children by breaking them of unwanted behaviors and training them to obey. Usually it is for the sake of convenience. There is little in the OPP that serves to teach children about their feelings or the appropriate behaviors everyone is hoping that they learn.

So when are we breaking the child's will and when are we breaking her spirit? And is there really a difference?

The ideas embodied in the Old Parenting Paradigm, while rejected among development experts and educators, are still quite prevalent in the minds of American parents.

It's a hard fact to swallow.

Most parents do not want to believe that they [however unconsciously] are impeding the healthy development of their child's self-esteem, intrinsic motivation or emotional intelligence.

Nor would they dare suspect that they are actually contributing to their child's less-than-pleasant behaviors or eroding their parent-child relationship simply by demanding that their children “do as they say.”

The fact remains that we cannot continue to parent our children under this paradigm, blindly ignoring the insight and understanding that we have gained in the last twenty-five years of study.

But how do we change years of ingrained ideas about raising children?

We can start by erasing our inherited beliefs about children, parenting and families in general. The needs of babies and children are quite clear.

• Emotional attachment and acceptance
• Unconditional love and support
• Modeling & Consistency

These are the most powerful "discipline" methods available to parents.

Society has the habit of evaluating and judging the performance of parents as much as it encourages parents to evaluate and judge their own children's performance.

Let's face it - most of us are in the proverbial parenting closet with regards to our beliefs, habits, mistakes and abilities for fear of ridicule or admonishment from our respective peer groups and families. Society expects our kids not to cry, behave in public and generally be seen and not heard.

So why does society still encourage parents to judge children and their behavior?

What do we think we will accomplish as a group by indoctrinating our future leaders with harsh restrictions, punishments, reward systems, verbal abuse or by placing unrealistic and developmentally inappropriate expectations on them?

Can we really mold children into perfect, mindful, happy little beings?

No, we can’t!

Just like we cannot make children feel tired or hungry or sorry when they are not and we cannot make them like certain foods or activities or push them into accepting our personal thoughts and opinions as their own.

Children are individuals with preferences, likes and dislikes, varying temperaments, differing abilities, strengths and weaknesses.

To expect them to behave, learn and obey in the manner by which the Old Parenting Paradigm sets forth is a task not easily attained as it demands a rigid structure and supposes that children [and humans] can be behaviorally restructured and happy. This is just not the case.

Beware of parenting techniques, discipline models or books that offer simple cure-all solutions or advice that is “guaranteed” to work for everyone.

The only magical fix is to begin to faithfully support parents and nurture children. Parenting is a long, delightful, treacherous, scary journey with no perfect outcomes.

We need to commit to our children and to ourselves. Resolve to enjoy the journey and not focus solely on the demands of the outside world. We must promise to be present for our children and to give them our full attention and not our total frustration.

If you can seek to always attribute the most desirable intention to your child's actions, you will observe a noticeable difference in how often you feel the need to punish or discipline.

Whereas the Old Parenting Paradigm sees the family unit as a hierarchy with Mom and Dad at the helm and children on the lower tiers - the New Parenting Paradigm seeks to level out the family dynamics.

When parents consider that the family is a unit with all members equal and deserving of the same rights and respect, only then can they begin to enjoy a relationship that allows for intimacy and unconditional love.

Let joy and humor wash away old tendencies towards absolute authority and unrelenting control. If you micro-manage your child to the point of absolute rigidity, you can never fully experience the authenticity of family life.

The easiest way to incorporate the New Parenting Paradigm and become a conscious parent is to stop taking your child's behavior so personally and end the fruitless seeking of that bag of tricks you hope will solve all your parenting troubles and discipline dilemmas.

It’s not out there.

No one formula is going to work for every family. You need to take time to heal your own childhood wounds as a road to discovering your true Parenting Ethic, (re)learn what it means to parent authentically, commit to evolving as you learn and then assemble a set of values and actions that best suits your family’s needs and desires.